Week 6 of Post Grad Life.
A Lot of Emotional Crap:
Life keeps slapping me in the face and laughing at my failures. It also keeps picking me back up to fight back, giving me hopes for success. It’s funny, stressful, wonderful and just plain confusing. Life puts me at ease when I want to give up, and surrounds me with beauty when I am in the darkness. Then when I start to be happy again, it shoots me where it hurts the most… and am I being overly dramatic? Yeah, probably, but it’s also been one of those weeks.
This week was definitely one of those crazy weeks of life lessons that I will look back at years from now, and realize that I’ve overcome a big bump in the road. I’ve been bouncing from one low peak to another, then hitting a high peak, just to hit another low one. It has been emotionally exhausting and all I wanted to do was be home and do nothing but watch TV all day to keep my mind out of how miserable my week has been.
I can’t exactly say what’s been going on, but I am definitely not happy with myself. During the start of the week, I’ve been feeling super depressed and extremely lonely and confused. I went out for long walks along the famous Bund just to empty out my mind. Unfortunately, I think that made things a little worse. Here I was, staring into one of the most amazing scenery, realizing how different my life is now compared to four months ago (the last time I was in that exact same place). Sure, I’m a lot more accomplished now than I was back then, but what got me sad was the feeling of uncontrollable confusion and self-doubt.
Four months ago, I was here with a completely different lifestyle and mindset. Last time I was in Shanghai, I thought that I wanted nothing more than a successful startup in China and get married as soon as possible. Now however, as I am heading in that direction, I don’t know if that’s what I want anymore. I realized that if I can bounce from one life desire to another, just like that, then maybe I need to really revaluate my purpose in life.
I’m scared that I keep getting in my own way of happiness. I’m even thinking that maybe I’m not meant to stay back in the US with my new boyfriend. Maybe, that life with him is just another phase of my life, just as Shanghai once was a phase of my life four months ago. It scares me that I don’t know where I am supposed to establish myself, if I can just pick myself up and plant myself in any new environment. I know that seems like a good thing, and yes, in many ways it is; however, I am also having the toughest choice as to WHERE I should be. Am I making the right choice by deciding to move back to China or should I stay back home and start a new life with my boyfriend? What if my life would be happier being back home and being emotionally stable instead of fighting an uphill battle in China?
Then Friday I hit a really low rock bottom. I can’t exactly say what, but let’s just say I keep making mistakes that I can’t fix or emotionally cope with. I find myself making those same mistakes over and over again and it’s such a vicious cycle that I cannot get myself out of it. It’s like a demon inside of me that just takes control of my mind and body. When I am in this mindset, I cannot get myself to escape or come back to reality, until it’s too late and the damage is already done. It’s not who I am, but it is very much a huge part of me that I constantly battle on a regular basis. It’s something I cannot explain and even if I could, most people cannot understand. It’s not a self-control issue at all, but more like a psychological mental illness. I lose every aspect of myself…
Anyways, Saturday morning I woke up wanting to fall back asleep and wake up from a bad dream or redo the past 24 hours. It was such a tough morning to get out of bed because I couldn’t shake off the overwhelming feeling of self hate, guilt and regret. No amount of happy thought could have brought a smile on my face or the strength to control the feelings I was getting. The frustration for my mistakes I made on Friday was too much… I cannot take back what I did, but I just wanted to erase it from my memories forever.
It’s just funny how life turns out to be nothing like you would expect of it. Maybe this week was just a huge hiccup–or bump or whatever else you want to call it– along the way of becoming a strong adult. Maybe I am just asking too much out of life and should just stop trying so hard and just be happy with a simpler lifestyle. I always think that maybe I get some of the best experiences in life because I also have to deal with some of the worst. Often times than not, those worst experiences are my own fault. I am my own worst enemy because I find myself getting in the way of my own happiness and causing my own problems. The miseries I deal with are self-induced problems that lead me into a downward spiral of self-destruction. I wish I can just live a normal happy 22-year-old life.
Escape to Guilin, China:
The only happy part about this week was coming down to Guilin for the next couple of days. I am staying at an English school in a remote town just a couple hours outside of Guilin called Yangshuo. This school will host me in exchange for just a couple hours of just having conversations with their students in English. Easy.
Tonight’s my first night here, but I already know that I don’t want to leave anytime soon. This place is absolutely INCREDIBLE. The views and the people are just so splendid and the fact that I am staying as a a volunteer, really allows me to have a local experience. I cannot wait for what’s to come in the next two days that I am here. Maybe this will be the remedy that I needed from this crazy week of emotional distress. I just want to forget about all my frustrations just for the three days that I am here, hopefully.
xoxo from Guilin,