Week 4 of Post Grad Life.
Wow, it’s the first week of September and an exact one year anniversary of when I started my graduate program in France. It is absolutely incredible how fast time flies! This has probably also been my most productive, yet most depressing week since my last day of classes. I’ve been so lazy and distracted with my nonstop travel life that I haven’t really had the chance to just sit down and get some work done. It’s frustrating that I feel like I’m just wasting a shit ton of money not doing anything with my life right now. Yes, I’m getting involved in so many projects at once; at the same time, I’m also burning through my bank account. I’m down to the last couple of grands I’ve saved up during college and I haven’t been this poor since sophomore year…
In other frustrating news, I went to my uncle’s hospital on Tuesday to be diagnosed with depression and bi-polar disorder all over again… well, what else is new. This is something that I have had to fight through since I was 15 and had already been diagnosed 3 years ago. I stopped taking medication when I started my grad program, but I didn’t think I would continue to be like this after all the traveling. It’s frustrating that I’ve been pretty happy for the most part this year, but that this is something that can’t really be curable even with medication. I came home that day with a bag full of medicine, but I don’t want to take any of them. I don’t want to be dependent on some chemicals to make me happy for the rest of my life, like my mom.
It really is a struggle for me that many people don’t understand. I literally wake up having to face and battle this every single day. Some days I wake up and all I want to do is lay in bed all day and just wait for the next day to come. Then a couple hours later, I start getting extremely angry at myself for wasting all that time doing absolutely nothing and then that frustration takes over to the point where I can’t get myself to do anything. It’s such a vicious cycle…
People don’t know this about me because I’m always happy, smiling and laughing. For the most part, I can make myself pretty happy. However, as soon as that happy moment fleets, so does my good mood. Just like that. Then I’m back to feeling depressed, lonely, self-conscious and anxious all over again. The only thing that really helps me deal with that is surrounding myself with friends and family at every waking hour, which is pretty impossible.
Some people tell me that I just need to learn to be comfortable being by myself. Believe me, that is the worst thing I can do for myself. I absolutely hate being alone because I’m scared of my own depressing thoughts that will consume me. It’s scary and this is really the first time I’m being so open about it, but I’m telling y’all because it’s so frustrating for me to always keep this in as a secret as if it’s some hidden handicap in my life. In a way, it is; at the same time, writing about it really helps me. I guess this is why I blog so much… it’s very therapeutic.
Getting Shit Done:
On a positive note (and sorry for all that depressing crap), I’m pretty excited since it feels like all my projects are starting to really line up for me when I get back to the US. I do feel a little overwhelmed that I’m trying to work on too many things at once, but I feel like this is the time for me to keep myself as busy as possible before I’m faced with making more adult decision (like getting a real job).
My Viridi project has been on hold for so long. It’s been an up and down journey with that, but I really do hope to go somewhere with it. I’ve already invested so much time and money into it that I really do need to finish it and either succeed or fail with it. For those of you who don’t know what I’m talking about, here’s a little promo video:
The other project that I’m really excited to work on is still a bit on the low key… I don’t really want to say what it is until I have some designs and working website running. I’ll keep y’all posted on that. Hopefully, I’ll be ready to do some testing in mid November.
I’m starting to really miss everyone back home, but it is really nice that I’m also starting a fresh new relationship with my sister here. Yes, ladies and gentlemen… I have a blood-related sister. It’s a bit of a shocker since I never talk about her, but that’s because she was literally non-existent in most of my young adult life, until now. It’s surprising how much we’ve bonded in such a short amount of time this week. We spent hours going shopping and even going to karaoke together. Conversations just started to really flow when we started to talk about our boyfriends. I think this is the first time in our lives that we were actually able to relate to something.
Speaking of boyfriends… I really can’t wait to be back home. I miss mine so much and I hate and love the invention of Skype. I love it because of what it is, of course. I hate it because it makes me miss him that much more. It’s so much easier being away from home when I can just forget about what I left behind. Things that are out of my sight are literally out of my mind, but Skype keeps reminding me that I need to be home to my family and boyfriend…
Also, I am super stoked that today, I am at my grandparents. Most of my family members from my dad side are here, with more on the way tomorrow! The best part is that MY DAD is here too!!! It’s crazy. He called Friday night and told me that he just got out of his business meeting and he is flying in to Korea the next day for work. It was the PERFECT timing because Monday is Chussuk, a thanksgiving-like holiday in Korea. It’s so nice to be with my dad and family all here at my grandparents. We haven’t had this many family members at once since the 90s, literally. The only person missing was my mom. Gahh I miss her.
Anyways, tomorrow is the day of Chussuk and this coming week, I’ll be off again to Shanghai. I don’t think want to leave Korea… ever.
xoxo from Pyeongtaek,